The following list of these "two cows" jokes was assembled from different versions found on the web. You can also get specific cow jokes for -

• Cow Capitalism
  
• Cow Communism
  
• Cow Democracy
  
• Cow Corporation
  

"You have two cows" jokes originated as a parody of typical economy examples featuring a farmer in a moneyless society, using his cattle and produce to trade with his neighbours. Those examples were meant to show the limitations of the barter system, leading to the eventual introduction of currency and money. The "two cows" parodies however, place the cow-owner in a full-fledged economic system where cows are used as a metaphor for all currency, capital, means of production, etc. The intent is often to point out flaws and absurdities in those systems.

As such, the first "two cows" jokes were meant to compare opposing economic systems such as capitalism and communism, typically by describing how the government and bureaucracy would interfere with one's quiet enjoyment of one's cows. The jokes have then evolved into satires of various political, cultural, social and philosophical systems and theories. Eventually, virtually anything has come to be usable as "cow joke fodder". Newsworthy events involving actual cows (BSE outbreaks) have also been used as material.

These definitions are examples of the first Internet jokes that circulated in the early days of the Internet. But the initial variants of these jokes antedated the Internet and were circulating in typewritten form even by the early 1980s. Being such a readily understood source of humor in many cultures, these "two cows" jokes became a part of the international development of the World Wide Web. The jokes are still circulated today, and they are translated and quoted on many websites, in dozens of versions, with newer "definitions" added every year.

Because of their freedom and universality of topics, "two cows" jokes are sometimes considered a good example of "cross-cultural humor". As such, they may be concise examples (not necessarily scientific) of how different cultures can express different visions of the same political concept, by paradox, hyperbole, or sarcasm. (In practice however, most such jokes reflect the views of outsiders to the systems being satirized.) In the spirit of finding international common ground, some also see them as humorous manifestations of an underlying general scheme of political science that would compare legal or political concepts, such as the rights of ownership, across cultures around the world.

Cows themselves are a frequent subject matter of humor. Some have conjectured that the word cow may be an inherently funny word.

List of "you have two cows" definitions (The definitions have, of course, no scientific value and may reflect certain points of view.)

Anarchism:
You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal your neighbour's bull. You ignore the government. Meanwhile, your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

Aristocracy:
You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

Army -- United States:
You have two cows. You don't ask. They don't tell.

Artist -- Visual:
You have two cows. You suspend them in formaldehyde in glass display boxes. In London.

Barter:
You have two cows; you want chickens; you set out to find another farmer who has chickens and wants a cow.

Baathism:
You have two cows. They compete in blaming everything on the Jews until the one with the higher milk revenues grows a mustache and starts gassing you. When it attacks your neighbor, the world just pushes it back to your feedlot and says killing it would violate your sovereignty.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Bureaucracy -- United States:
You have two cows. One has BSE. You don't bother to check if they have BSE, lest you find out, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

Bureaucracy -- British:
You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the "all clear", and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

Bureaucracy -- European Union:
You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

Bureaucracy -- Indian:
You have two cows. But since these cows are holy cows, you cannot tell them what to do, or milk them, or do anything useful with them. The cows however, have no such barriers. The emerging liberal democracy requires one to fill out 37 triplicate forms before killing anything, and cows cannot write. Thus the cows do not slaughter you, you do not slaughter the cows, and the pacifist monks are satisfied.

Bureaucracy -- United States:
You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other. You are then paid to not milk cows.

Canadaism:
You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Cartesian Dualism:
You have two cows. Therefore you are.

Catholicism:
You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession; your parish priest tells you that having cows is not in and of itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten Hail Marys.

Centralism:
You have two cows. They are in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

Communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Conservativism:
You have two cows. You freeze the milk, embalm the cows and charge people to look at them..

Counterculture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Deconstructionism:
You have two cows, or is it that two cows have you?

Democracy #1:
You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.

Democracy #2:
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Despotism -- Modern:
You have two cows. The government steals your cows and shoots you, but in interests of pleasing the global community, name you as a "Militant Rebel Insurgent", call their government an "Enlightened Centralised Executive", and ask for UN peacekeeping troops to come and separate the radical separationist cow-owners from normal people.

Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dyslexia:
You have two woks.

Environmentalism #1:
You have two cows. Government regulations require your cows to wear protective headgear so they do not allow bacteria to die and illegalise the killing of parasites by aggravated cows.

Environmentalism #2:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Existentialism:
You have two cows. You declare "Hell is the cows". (See Jean Paul Sartre.)

Fascism #1:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

Fascism #2:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Feminism:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Frisbeetarianism:
You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You smoke a joint and hope the government provides cow ladders.

Fundamentalism #1:
You have two cows. The government kills you for owning cows, confiscates your cows, and then kills everyone who suggests that the government should be killed for owning cows.

Fundamentalism #2:
You have two cows. The Bible does not mention cows, and the government confiscates them because they do not exist.

Idealism:
You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

Industrialism:
You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

Labor Unionisim:
You have two cows. They band together with everyone else's cows to form the Cow People's Union, or CPU. They demand higher wages and shorter working hours. You respond by increasing wages and working hours. As your house burns and your windows are smashed in, you realise that your life depends on these cows, and their happiness is part of your survival. You decide to tell that to God.

Liberalism #1:
You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

Liberalism #2:
You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

Libertarianism #1:
Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

Libertarianism #2:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Libertarianism #3:
You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

Marxism/Leninism:
The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cow-herds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrates over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

Militarism:
You have two cows. The government takes both cows and presses you into military service.

Nazism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

New Dealism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

New Zealandism:
You have two sheep.

Nihilism:
There are no cows. There never were. You have a cigarette and a cup of black coffee to ponder the cow-shaped hole in the universe.

Pacifism:
You have two cows. They stampede you.

Perotism:
You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.

Platonism:
You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

Plutocracism:
You have two cows. Your richer neighbours get to take one of them and the other's milk because they are richer. In rebellion, you become richer and take three of their cows and the fourth's milk. This continues until the cows decide to invent the concept of "Cow-munism", band together, become richer than everyone, and take everything and its milk.

Political Correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Poverty:
You don't have any cows.

Protectionism:
You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

Protestantism:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.

Redistributionism:
You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

Republicanism:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what?

Simpsonism:
You have two cows. Mmmm... Cows.

Socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour.

Socialism -- Bureaucratic:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Socratic Methodism:
How many cows do I have? Why?

Surrealism:
You have two cows. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Survivorism:
You have two cows. They get taken to a remote farm and go through different challenges to win the "immunity idol". Then they vote each other off and a "jury" of other cows pick one to win a million dollars. The winner eats the money and dies from internal paper cuts and the loser goes on to make millions from sponsors and ads.

Theocracy -- Iranian style:
You have two cows. All the world believes only one is a dictator and the other is a democrat, but you can't see any difference and badly want to get rid of both.

Theocracy -- Taliban style:
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan countryside and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.

Theocracy -- Saudi style:
You have two cows. The government says God has appointed it as the Eternal Guardian of the Two Holy Cows and pockets all the milk revenues. It grants you the choice either to spread the divine message or to suffer decapitation.

Taoism
The cow that can be milked is not the true cow.
(Good thing you have two.)

Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

United Nationism:
You have two cows. France and Russia veto you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. China abstains. (see UN Security Council)