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Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
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Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your
butt look big.
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Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
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Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume
its now unwanted contents.
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At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
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Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are
in pesos or rubles.
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Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.
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Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
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...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut
food".
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Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
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Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
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Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist
that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say,
"You mean you really can't see it?"
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Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
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Wear pancake makeup and new clothes, pose as a fashion dummy in clothes
departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
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Test mattresses in your pajamas.
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Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
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If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour
while rocking from side to side.
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Sprint up the down escalator.
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Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they,
too, can see the "hidden picture".
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Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
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Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
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Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw
cuts through bone.
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At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether
there's much meat on them.
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Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
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Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
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Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your
own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
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Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you
lost a contact lens.
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Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color
of your beard.
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In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London,
I see France..."
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Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander
around the mall taking two-inch steps.
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Play the tuba for change.
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Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
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Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions
of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
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Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give
you a really wicked buzz".
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Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap
made out of straw".
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"Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
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Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
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Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around
in it.
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Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved
by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if
anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
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Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a
Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one
flattop!"
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Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully
announce that none of them are "leak proof".
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"Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots
of explosion noises.
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Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
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Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish
it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
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Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over
whether they're real.
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If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
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Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and
say "Domino's."
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Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch
yourself. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back premed.
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Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've
seen this man."
